recently learned how to “non-do” group social interactions and that has made a seemingly lifelong struggle with group dynamics much less challenging
really this is just bringing the same skill to a new context but damn i’m grateful for that
I learned non-doing from Michael Ashcroft’s course and the Alexander Technique, and spontaneity practice from Shinzen Young’s Unified Mindfulness, and clowning/improv…
U notice U have some kind of intention or desire and U just pause it, wait, “inhibit”
it’s not that U can’t ever do the thing—U aren’t prohibiting it—U just pause
i’ve practiced inhibition and non-doing in a lot of contexts. for example, if I give a talk, or lead a guided meditations, a lot of that is non-doing, spontaneous action emerging
for the last few months I was living in a group house in Asheville. that gave me lots of opportunities to debug what works and what doesn’t for me in groups. group meetings, group dinners, group hangs… there were a lot of group activities!
i’d written about this theme a year ago and made some progress but have still found groups difficult, challenging
there were a few things that worked for me, that clicked and moved, but one was simply noticing that I could non-do group dynamics.
i was trying to “do” group dynamics- setting some kind of intention for how I wanted to pay attention or show up or interact. make sure to ask questions or focus on body language of everyone or…
instead I just drop all that. I don’t try to do anything. I don’t try to say anything or show up in any particular kind of way.
i let myself listen and be quiet.
if I have any desire to speak or to act, I let go of that. i inhibit any intentional activity.
as best I can, I try to let the only actions I take be the ones that emerge spontaneously.
I would find myself adding thoughts, asking questions, making jokes—contributing in a way that I wouldn’t have anticipated, but was responsive to the moment, to the group field.
last night I was at a bar with some friends in Brooklyn. i was curious if the same thing would work or not, and tried it out. i was relieved to find that non-doing works here, also, in a different city, with different people.
rather than getting in my head or withdrawing or fixating or any of the patterns that come up for me, that don’t feel very good and don’t work—i really don’t have to do anything at all.
i can just non-do it.
that works better than anything i’d plan or think up.