i’d heard people talking about “masking” before—when autists adapt behavior so as to fit in normie/neurotypical crowds. what i didn’t realize until very recently is just how literal this can be.
i noticed this because i’ve been taking a class on Zoom. being around a group of people, i am LITERALLY masking my face. if U look at my face in the Zoom, my face is impassive, hard to read. why? because if i showed how i really felt it would be weird. too weird. it would break the room. it would upset the natural order of things.
because this is an attachment class, and we’re supposed to be repatterning our behaviors, i’ve been trying experiments to explore what can help me with these triggers around groups. wearing my eye mask or closing my eyes, when looking at people at the same time as i’m listening feels overwhelming. moving my body, or lying down. having something to fiddle with my hands, or playing guitar. turning off my camera entirely.
one of the experiments i’ve done is letting myself “unmask”: react more fully with my facial expressions—showing anger, disgust, boredom, amusement, sadness, confusion etc. in ways that i might normally hide.
it’s remarkable how freeing this is. just to emote honestly. my face feels less tense and i feel emotionally liberated.
the thing is, i think people can pick all that up anyway. the masking doesn’t even work that well. people are very perceptive, i’m pretty easy to read, and body language is all out in the open.
so it’s been helping me to practice “unmasking.” to go full send on showing my emotions through my face.
it reminds me of one of my heroes, Jim Carrey. his face is so expressive, from being able to do so many impressions and characters. i’ve had this phrase rolling around my head: “The Jim Carrey Path to Awakening.” and it’s as simple as this: just emoting with your face, honestly, fully.
and now that i know how to do that, i can let it be less like a light switch that goes ON or OFF and more like a volume dial, where i adjust the intensity according to the situation.
sometimes masking is appropriate. sometimes unmasking is safe, or feels better. and often, the solution is somewhere in between.