there’s an empowerment skill that’s a very powerful, heavy move, that’s high risk high reward: real talk. tough love. sharing a strong viewpoint and advice in a firm way
generally i don’t deploy this move because it feels unsafe to do so, for me and for the other person
Alex: “friends who give positive comments are easy to find. the friend who will give you the tough love talk is rare.”
the short-term failure mode of real talk is that someone says “fuck off” and that’s that.
the long-term failure mode is that you could irrevocably damage or end a relationship
so you need to be careful, caring about how you deliver it
but the failure mode of not speaking is all that is held back, an act of service that never saw the light of day, never led to benefit, a gift ungiven
real talk is a subset of right speech but it still needs those five qualities (true, useful, kind [words], kind [mind], timely/context-aware)
first off, the real talk needs to be in a context of a relationship where it would be desired, useful. in semi-aristotelian terms, friends of virtue, and/or allies who are not merely friends of virtue (e.g. business partners who mainly care about profit or stocks or w/e), or someone you are mentoring or advising or coaching in some capacity, or…
second, the real talk needs to be KIND. it probably won’t be nice and comfortable and cozy to hear, but it cannot be unkind. it may very well sting, but it shouldn’t cut or wound, either.
that means it also needs to be, third, in a context of a larger LOVING relationship. the love needs to be palpable. you need to know and feel in your bones that this person loves you, admires you, respects you, and that that love is why they are speaking—because it would be unkind, unloving not to.
fourth, it shouldn’t be about you, the person speaking, the person delivering the real talk. you need to be 100% clear that you don’t want or need something from the other person, that you’re not secretly / covertly trying to manipulate or control them, get them to do something you desire. you need to be unattached to outcome, equanimous with what ensues.
similarly, it shouldn’t be about your past patterns, mistakes you made in the past; nor should it be advice you secretly need, would benefit from taking. it should feel obvious, irrelevant to you—taking your own advice would have negligible effect on your life, because you’ve already done so, you are living it, whatever is being discussed isn’t a problem for you
fifth, it should be about them. you should know them deeply, as a whole person in their whole life, and also who and where they are at this particular chapter and juncture. you should know their values, their vision for the future, their goals and aspirations, their current projects, their growth edges. you should understand them as they understand themselves, and speak from their, to them, in their language and perspective
Conclusion
tasshin-31 and before was generally terrified to use this skill
tasshin-32 [who wrote this] is like “ah fuck i guess i gotta do that now”
and really noticing that it’s never going to be safe
you’re using a fucking battle axe
it’s not a fucking butter knife
my head canon is that tasshin… 45? 58? 75? gives no fucks
is not terrified at all to wield the fullness of his power
and knows how to do skillfully
can distinguish it having uncomfortable effects from genuine harm
i guess there were probably some times in the past where i deployed this, or saw it deployed, or had it used on me, that didn’t feel good / safe / helpful / beneficial
and i really need to learn how to use it well
in certain contexts it feels more safe + worth the risk. typically male friendships, or certain women with whom i have tremendous shared context + love
this is a bit of a snag atm because, for me—power for my sisters—empowerment is ultimately for the women in the world at this time, by and large, in broad strokes, etc.
so i need to learn to use this comfortably with more people, in more contexts
have a slightly better risk-reward profile
and/or just grow some cajones