“why did U leave?”
i hated this question for years.
avoided answering it.
even avoided situations where someone might ask it.
would U ask someone why they just got divorced?
probably not.
none of your business.
ok to be curious.
generally rude to ask.
“forgive them, Lord, for they know not what they do”
“why did U leave?”
well, why do U leave a job?
it’s time.
a new chapter is coming.
and…
that answer was a pile of cope.
the full answer?
the honest answer?
i wasn’t having fun.
i wasn’t happy.
i wasn’t growing.
not any more.
i didn’t know i cared about fun then, but i did.
call it fun, call it aliveness,
call it resonance, call it eros—
whatever name U choose,
i needed it.
fun is my lifeblood.
my felt implicit value of fun was given lip service at best.
i hated forcing myself to do things.
so much forcing,
just to get through a day,
to do anything at all.
i hated meditating.
i wasn’t making progress in my practice, as best i could tell.
i didn’t care about awakening any more.
i was concerned about my parents’ health.
i didn’t want to be a renunciate.
i didn’t want to be celibate.
i was touch starved.
i wasn’t getting laid lmao.
i was skinny and not eating enough.
i was anxious and neurotic and constantly scared.
i had needs that weren’t being met.
i had boundaries and preferences that weren’t being respected.
in fact, the whole ideology there was about overcoming individual needs, preferences, feelings.
i had no clear role that felt good for me and for them.
they didn’t really know what to do with me.
to the extent they did their plans felt so off to me, not tasshin-shaped—
they were asking me to grow in ways i wasn’t ready for,
or excited about,
or wanting to,
in ways and with methods that didn’t feel good for me.
i felt my intellectual side was being shamed and discouraged.
i was only happy in my free time or away from there.
i dreaded being on schedule and avoided it as much as possible.
i was ashamed of actions i’d taken.
i didn’t like who i was becoming, didn’t want to be who i envisioned myself being if i stayed there.
i wasn’t proud of the organization or where it was going.
i could see it was hurting people.
i could see i was hurting people, had hurt people.
i could see patterns that weren’t working for them or for him or for me.
i didn’t trust they’d get addressed.
i didn’t like how i saw leadership responding to the organization’s problems.
problems are normal.
challenges are to be expected.
how U respond to them is the measure of your character,
individually and collectively.
it was way too collectivist.
i was worried about it being culty.
i was confused in my relationship with my teacher.
i was pretty sure he was right about some things and wrong about others.
i couldn’t tell which, didn’t trust him to discern.
i could tell i was confused about some things and right about others,
but unsure what was my problem or blind spot and what was his.
i felt manipulated and i didn’t trust myself to have my own back,
to have a spine, to be able or willing to speak up for myself, advocate for myself.
i didn’t feel safe to feel or sense any of this, much less say it.
i was confused about so much of this and didn’t have words for it.
i didn’t trust that even if i did have words,
that i would be heard and received.
met. seen. loved. cared for.
not in the ways i yearned for.
not in the ways i needed.
i was curious about so much I couldn’t explore while i was there.
i needed to individuate.
i wanted to be in the world.
i felt intuitively called to something else.
that became my pilgrimage and our Guild.
i couldn’t have said all this then.
i felt it all the same.
“why did U leave?”
there.
that’s my fucking answer.
now fuck off.